Malignancy

The kind commiserations of considerate colleagues expressed in a prior article on this forum have prompted me to return the favour in kind, with compound interest, calculated in a linked spreadsheet with custom built stochastic functions augmented by Boolean algebra and informal logic. Gobibral Haemorrhage, while it is highly contagious, has a well identified infective vector named Stress Drone Attack (SDA).

However Gobi No. 1 appears to be afflicted by a rather virulently malignant astrocytoma of the Gobi identified as “Advertisia Marketoma”. Unlike infectious vectors, this condition is not caused by infective carriers like virii, bacteria, plasmodia, prions (though the symptoms resemble those of the BSE – Buffalo Spongiform Encephalopathy, or भूसा-भेजा-भैँसा as it is colloquially known). Some Gobis are congenitally prone to develop this malignancy. It is also suspected that they are genitally prone to develop this malignancy, but recent literature suggests that clinical trials on fattened hamsters have not been successful at replicating the condition at any level of significance.

Some of the common symptoms of Advertisia Marketoma include, but are not limited to, inter alia the following:

• irrational herbivorism
• wilful and wanton whiskeration
• bipolar vocabulary syndrome – with language alternating between the verbiage patterns of stevedores and diphthong enunciations of Franciscan Friars, sporadically
• morbid interest in gasoline wasting pursuits of over-paid chauffeurs
• orchestration of sting operations by swarms of simpering simian scribes on hapless victims
• prolonged postprandial perambulation for the purpose of oral incineration of nicotiana tabacum
• cranial corrosion from celluloidal confabulation

Absence of infective vector precludes use of antibiosis for therapeutic considerations. Acute lobotomy may ameliorate some of the most pestilential symptoms. However, contagion may not be an immediate concern.

Beware of ‘gobi’bral hemorrhage causing Stress Drone Attacks - Gobi No.2 has just been attacked.

Close on the heels of the US Drone attack causing the ‘reported death of Taliban Chief Baitullah Mehsud, a drone attack of a different kind has been reported in Mumbai – the financial capital and the favorite target of terror attacks (as if the locals weren’t causing enough damage, we have foreign terrorists joining the mayhem)!
‘Stress Drones’ a low flying Invisible Floating Occurence (IFO) which have been known to cause serious damage to the gobi has been encountered in the suburbs of the financial capital called Andheri where Gobi No.2 lives. It has been reported that the attack was a focused, targeted attack and has cause serious damage to the 'Gobi' lodged inside Gobi No.2. It has also been confirmed (sadly so) that Gobi No.2 is now suffering from Gobibral hemorrhage.
Gobibral hemorrhage is a serious disease which causes prolonged instances of logic. It makes the affected individual live in a world of logic. Isn't that scary??? (OOOOHHHHH)

This results the patient experiencing symptoms like nausea (makes him go ‘yuck yuck’), expectations of logic ('Well duh! How else does one go about it? I mean we are not amoebae to split vertically and become two young ‘uns!'), logical conclusions from the illogical pursuits of the gobi-world (Indubitably. Delusions of Shoe-makerism. They will land one in a theatre all right. A bloody OPERATING THEATRE!!), unnecessary use of provocative and ‘oh so parliamentary’ language (…it would be a para-choot jump), causes infuriated response to perfectly normal ‘pursuits of randomness’ and many more…
It is our earnest request to the non-existent readers of this blog to stay away from the following:

• Prolonged staring at complex spreadsheets
• Listening to ‘The Economist’ while commuting to work
• Break up components of a pasta (or any other food item) to ‘carbohydrates’, proteins, ammonia, helium, cyanide, process of photosynthesis, saliva or its million other components.
• Reading everything from ‘Shakespear’ to ‘shake my spear’ (including packets on which sugar is packed from the local kirana store)
• Avoid Auto-rickshaw, cycle-rickshaw, Sam Maneckshaw, Deepak Shaw, or John ex-shaw

Staying away from the above causes ‘perfect pursuers of randomness’ like Gobi No.1 and can cause happyness too.
Considering Gobi No.2 is suffering from the Stress Drone Attack caused ‘Gobibral Hemerrhage’, it is suggested that the readers (if any) to forgive such drastic pursuit of logic by the author. We shall give him due time and a holiday from viewing spreadsheets and things will be normal again.
God bless ‘Gobi No.2’. May his soul rest in peas.

Note: This is a serious attack. During a conversation Gobi No.2 expected usage of punctuations in posts from Gobi No.1, which beats the very raison d'être of this blog. Beware! This is a very contagious disease!!!

In pursuit of lunacy

By being temporally consequent to the previous entry, this one is in pursuit of lunacy.
Ergo, Gobi No. 2 will the resort to undiluted ad hominem. Gobi No. 1 is stark raving mad. The things recommended in the previous post are harebrained moronic manipulations. Here’s how, ad seriatum:

Go naked become a parent

Well duh! How else does one go about it? I mean we are not amoebae to split vertically and become two young ‘uns!

test drive a ferrari go to a theatre

Indubitably. Delusions of Shoe-makerism. They will land one in a theatre all right. A bloody OPERATING THEATRE!!

take a hot air balloon ride phone in work sick

Er, does flatulence entitle one to call in work sick?

relax go horse riding surprise someone

Well, given our sedentary sizes, the horse will be the one most surprised if his back-bone lasts the ordeal!

go to a sporting event walk in the rain

Er, water sports!? Yuck yuck!!

do a parachute jump

Well given that we are generally better inflated than any parachute could be, any jumping we do would probably qualify for a parachute jump – provided we can ever manage to get both feet off the ground at the same time. Else, it would be a para-choot jump.

sleep under the stars

Unsuccessful attempts to carry out the previous recommendation would certainly make them visible in broad daylight.

visit the pyramids go whale watching

Ok, some serious educating is needed here. “Ship of the desert” is a metaphor. A METAPHOR! The fact that you can sail in the ship of the desert to watch the stones of Giza DOES NOT MEAN that you can get to do whale watching there!! Just because you are aboard a ship!!

visit machu pichu see the northern lights

Then again, bhugol (भुगोल) ke funde seriously gol hein bhai! Machu pichu is in Peru which is is the Southern Hemisphere. How on earth do you suggest we contrive to watch the nothern lights there!!

be happy

You make us read and respond to inane posts like that and you expect us to be anything other than infuriated!!

In Pursuit of randomness

Go naked become a parent test drive a ferrari go to a theatre take a hot air balloon ride phone in work sick and relax go horse riding surprise someone go to a sporting event walk in the rain do a parachute jump sleep under the stars visit the pyramids go whale watching visit machu pichu see the northern lights be happy