Hiatussification - leads to Gobi No.2 generating unnecessary worms

Gobi No.2 who has recently been hit by the Hiatussification bug has been suffering so badly that the Gobi is now filled with unnecessary worms exuding exhorbitant colours of the exotic type. Such escapades from Gobispot ends in enormous enmity ensuing between Gobi No.1 & Gobi No.2.
While the hiatussification has not been extended to other forms of Gobalisation like tweeting and booking on the faces, understanding the reason for regular irregularity on Gobispot is really ridiculous.
Wierd wired wela Gobi No.2 will want worming. With immediate effect to return to normalcy!

Nandan ka naya bandhan!

Nandan Nilekani has been the toast of discussion in many places post his being made a 'babu'. I received this mail sometime back and it was ROTFL material :)

Morning, 10 AM sharp. Nandan Nilekani enters his new cabin. There is not much in the room except a plush chair, a large wooden desk with a computer and a phone neatly placed on top. He picks up the phone and dials the switchboard operator’s number.

Nilekani: Good morning. This is Nandan Nilekani. Can you send in someone who can help me with some information, please?
Operator: Good Morning sir. Whom do you wish to call in? Do you have someone in particular in mind?
Nilekani: Umm. Have I been given an assistant or a secretary?
Operator: We don’t employ assistants here, sir. Too little outlay. Secretaries we have many. Chief secretary, under secretary, joint…
Nilekani: …No, no. Not that kind. I meant someone who could help me get things rolling.
Operator: Okay. Let me see. Well, I think I know just the right person for the task. I am sending in our secretary a-la-carte, Mr Pandeyji.

Several hours later, Pandeyji walks in.
Nilekani: [After exchanging the usual pleasantries] Pandeyji, one of our immediate big tasks would be to see how we could integrate our unique ID database with other relevant databases like those of passports, ration cards, job cards and PAN. Do we have an upgraded IT system here?
Pandeyji: Integration not possible. We need new licenses from Oracle, Microsoft. We don’t have much money with us. Too little outlay.
Nilekani: Alright. We will use Open Source.
Pandeyji: [Alarmed] Open source? Across all departments, we have banned everything that has anything “Open” in it.
Nilekani: When did that happen?
Pandeyji: Ever since the Open General Licence scheme came into force. It wreaked havoc on our personal, er, public finances.
Nilekani: Alright. I will talk to Paul. He is a good friend. I am sure he will be able to help. This is in the interest of the people, after all.
Pandeyji: But, sir, Paul was robbed two weeks ago.
Nilekani: [Shocked] Where? How?
Pandeyji: Shortly after the Union Budget speech. I heard an analyst say that the government is robbing Paul to pay Peter. Sirjee, when the government is done with Paul, he won’t be in a position to help.
Nilekani: [Relieved] No, no, I was talking about Paul Allen, Microsoft’s co-founder. By the way, “Robbing Paul to pay Peter” is not the correct expression. It is the other way round.
Pandeyji: Sir, you are duly advised not to lose sweat over improper forms of expression around here. Did you not hear the honourable finance minister read out the Budget?
Nilekani: [Ignoring the last comment] By the way, why do I see so few people in this building? Are we not sufficiently staffed yet? I think I gave my recommendations some time back.
Pandeyji: Actually, we were, but most officers have applied to other ministries or departments for transfers. Some have even moved out.
Nilekani: [Concerned] Why?
Pandeyji: Our project was allocated Rs 120 crore in the Budget. On the other hand, the Delhi Police got Rs 3,000 crore, the National Ganga Project got Rs 562 crore. You see sir, the greater the mess, the bigger the outlay. Officers feel there is a slim chance you will be messing things up around here, seeing your track record. So most officers want out.
Nilekani: [Animated] Forget the outlay. I have been given a free hand!! Nobody gets a free hand!
Pandeyji: [Smirking] Good you mentioned that term. In fact, “free hand” is among the first few terms of which I need to explain the official meanings to you, tomorrow.
Nilekani: Hmm. I think I know the meaning already, but why tomorrow? Why not today?
Pandeyji: It’s 2 minutes to 5:30 PM. When the clock strikes 5:30, I am going to turn into a pumpkin. Is there something else I can help you with?
Nilekani: Not really. Is there something else you want to help me with, before you turn into a pumpkin?
Pandeyji: Arrey haan. I have read your book, Imagining India. I like it a lot. Actually, I have thought of a nice title you can use for the book’s sequel.
Nilekani: [Intrigued] And what could that be?
Pandeyji: Keep Imagining, India.Nilekani casts an impatient glance at his watch. The minute hand looks agonisingly sluggish.

An awesome evening

This post is not exactly true to this blog. I am just hijacking this blog for this post alone. Couldn't resist writing about a magical evening that I just experienced today!

I was invited to the Durga Pandal by Bombay Durga Bari Samiti. This is their 80th year and one of the members suggested that I visit the Pandal this evening for the Puja and the cultural programme that was to follow. But little did I realise that I was in for a huge surprise. A totally pleasant one at that! The 'cultural programme' was called 'Old is Gold' and featured Hindi & a few Bengali film songs. One rule - the song must be vintage. And all of them were. Awesome music, awesome musicians, awesome evening.

The team was led by Shri. Manohari Singh, who has played with doyens including S D Burman & R D Burman and he is one of the most prolific Saxaphone artists I have ever heard. Music was divine and I honestly felt de-stressed after a very long time. Cheap kick followed. I took a picture with Mr. Manohari Singh. God! What a simple human being he was.

Songs like 'Hoton pe aisi bath' from Jewel Thief, 'Dum Maro Dum' from Hare Rama Hare Krishna and 'Tere Mere Sapne' from Guide were belted out to perfection by the troupe. The singers Srikanth and Shailaja were so true to the original voices and sang to perfection. The energy that they brought along was flowing amongst the audience and it certainly was magical. Truly amongst the best evenings that I have enjoyed after having moved to Mumbai!

Day in the life of a Senior Professional

This is awesome. I found this buzzword generator and I tried to create a day in the life of a senior professional. Damn cool stuff this!!!

Letter to dad

This is the most original piece I have written. I didn't get this as part of a forward message from a girl who sits next to me at work place. I did this when I was 15 and my dad was very proud of me when he read this. And yes!!! I AM LYING!!!!! BAAH NONSENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read it anyway!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son
P.S: Scroll down

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
*Call me when it's safe to come home*.
LOVE YOU DAD

Toly tow and tattle tlass

tonsidering this tis the teason tof twitting the tweeters, tI thought tI thould trite tomething thich tan te tonsidered ta teuology to the twittering tommunity.

There was once a diplomat
Who is now treated like a garden rat
He stood the election to become a minister
Not realising that the crowd around him is sinister
He spoke his mind out on twitter
Which transformed his life 'Oh! bitter'
Cattle class and holy cow,
Landed him in trouble me knows how!
Evil coalition media and politics
@Shashitharoor should learn the basics
Taken a beating - this man's image
Little did he realise - he is collateral damage!
Baaaah! NONSENSE!!!!!

Hiatussification

Apologies to all my dear non-existent readers for the prolonged hiatussification of the phoolgobi. However said Gobi was rather recalcitrant when it came to cogitating up inane entries or posts for this forum, and no amount of caffeineification seemed to help. The Gobi will need to investigate the theory of muses in some detail to determine if dereliction of duty by these alleged companions of the gay Apollo is responsible for the dry spell of phoolgobification. If this is found to be the case, the said muses are likely to be slapped with a class action lawsuit seeking compensation for their dispensation with inspiration to the Gobi. Till such time, the non-existent readers are requested to bear with the Gobi as they have been bearing the Gobi, unbearable though it is. Mind it, I say, BEAR with the Gobi, not BARE with the Gobi, as some poltroons choose to word it.

Hopefully the termination of hiatussification will lead to frequent flaunting of foul fabrications on this forum, as has been the wont of the Gobi. It appears though that this may require the still recalcitrant and thoroughly uncooperative alleged companions of gay Apollo to be dragged kicking and screaming to aid the Gobi in spouting these digital emissions. Hopefully subsequent non-events will provide suitable muse-fodder. Till such time, so long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, good-bye!

Not in office? Not to worry!

Some interesting out of office messages:

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
• I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
• Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 or the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 452nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
• Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
• Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
• I've run away to join a different circus.
  AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
• I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Malignancy

The kind commiserations of considerate colleagues expressed in a prior article on this forum have prompted me to return the favour in kind, with compound interest, calculated in a linked spreadsheet with custom built stochastic functions augmented by Boolean algebra and informal logic. Gobibral Haemorrhage, while it is highly contagious, has a well identified infective vector named Stress Drone Attack (SDA).

However Gobi No. 1 appears to be afflicted by a rather virulently malignant astrocytoma of the Gobi identified as “Advertisia Marketoma”. Unlike infectious vectors, this condition is not caused by infective carriers like virii, bacteria, plasmodia, prions (though the symptoms resemble those of the BSE – Buffalo Spongiform Encephalopathy, or भूसा-भेजा-भैँसा as it is colloquially known). Some Gobis are congenitally prone to develop this malignancy. It is also suspected that they are genitally prone to develop this malignancy, but recent literature suggests that clinical trials on fattened hamsters have not been successful at replicating the condition at any level of significance.

Some of the common symptoms of Advertisia Marketoma include, but are not limited to, inter alia the following:

• irrational herbivorism
• wilful and wanton whiskeration
• bipolar vocabulary syndrome – with language alternating between the verbiage patterns of stevedores and diphthong enunciations of Franciscan Friars, sporadically
• morbid interest in gasoline wasting pursuits of over-paid chauffeurs
• orchestration of sting operations by swarms of simpering simian scribes on hapless victims
• prolonged postprandial perambulation for the purpose of oral incineration of nicotiana tabacum
• cranial corrosion from celluloidal confabulation

Absence of infective vector precludes use of antibiosis for therapeutic considerations. Acute lobotomy may ameliorate some of the most pestilential symptoms. However, contagion may not be an immediate concern.

Beware of ‘gobi’bral hemorrhage causing Stress Drone Attacks - Gobi No.2 has just been attacked.

Close on the heels of the US Drone attack causing the ‘reported death of Taliban Chief Baitullah Mehsud, a drone attack of a different kind has been reported in Mumbai – the financial capital and the favorite target of terror attacks (as if the locals weren’t causing enough damage, we have foreign terrorists joining the mayhem)!
‘Stress Drones’ a low flying Invisible Floating Occurence (IFO) which have been known to cause serious damage to the gobi has been encountered in the suburbs of the financial capital called Andheri where Gobi No.2 lives. It has been reported that the attack was a focused, targeted attack and has cause serious damage to the 'Gobi' lodged inside Gobi No.2. It has also been confirmed (sadly so) that Gobi No.2 is now suffering from Gobibral hemorrhage.
Gobibral hemorrhage is a serious disease which causes prolonged instances of logic. It makes the affected individual live in a world of logic. Isn't that scary??? (OOOOHHHHH)

This results the patient experiencing symptoms like nausea (makes him go ‘yuck yuck’), expectations of logic ('Well duh! How else does one go about it? I mean we are not amoebae to split vertically and become two young ‘uns!'), logical conclusions from the illogical pursuits of the gobi-world (Indubitably. Delusions of Shoe-makerism. They will land one in a theatre all right. A bloody OPERATING THEATRE!!), unnecessary use of provocative and ‘oh so parliamentary’ language (…it would be a para-choot jump), causes infuriated response to perfectly normal ‘pursuits of randomness’ and many more…
It is our earnest request to the non-existent readers of this blog to stay away from the following:

• Prolonged staring at complex spreadsheets
• Listening to ‘The Economist’ while commuting to work
• Break up components of a pasta (or any other food item) to ‘carbohydrates’, proteins, ammonia, helium, cyanide, process of photosynthesis, saliva or its million other components.
• Reading everything from ‘Shakespear’ to ‘shake my spear’ (including packets on which sugar is packed from the local kirana store)
• Avoid Auto-rickshaw, cycle-rickshaw, Sam Maneckshaw, Deepak Shaw, or John ex-shaw

Staying away from the above causes ‘perfect pursuers of randomness’ like Gobi No.1 and can cause happyness too.
Considering Gobi No.2 is suffering from the Stress Drone Attack caused ‘Gobibral Hemerrhage’, it is suggested that the readers (if any) to forgive such drastic pursuit of logic by the author. We shall give him due time and a holiday from viewing spreadsheets and things will be normal again.
God bless ‘Gobi No.2’. May his soul rest in peas.

Note: This is a serious attack. During a conversation Gobi No.2 expected usage of punctuations in posts from Gobi No.1, which beats the very raison d'être of this blog. Beware! This is a very contagious disease!!!