Return of the Jedi Master to Gobisia

The Jedi Master of Gobisia a.k.a Gobi No.1 felt the need to get back to gobidom after a self imposed hiatus to pursue randomness of a different (read serious) kind. One of the key characteristics to become a Jedi Master in Gobisia is to exhibit extreme levels of restraint. Despite many failed attempts by the lordship Gobi No.2 a.k.a Gobi No.840, the Jedi master had to exhibit calmness, restraint and observe without reacting or responding. After all many a great wars have been won by keeping quiet right? Take for example Narasimha Rao or N D Tiwari for that matter! Keep quiet and the war will be forgotten. Gobisia which has been carved out as a new state from the Republic of India owing to a fast unto death (again of a different kind - this means type very fast and hence this post should have taken exactly 3 minutes 42.143789 seconds to complete and posted) by the Jedi Master himself and the lordship Gobi No.2 announced the same in the last post a while back. However, the Jedi Master decided to come out of the self imposed silence and take all due credits from the Gobi No.2 for having formed Gobisia! :)

The War of the Gobis was going haywire and certain members who claim to be fans of the Gobidom citizenship have been craving for more. Such craving for unnecessary violence of the third kind will lead to bad dreams, pottied underwear, kids with a liking for horrendous holly and bollywood war films and fear of owls. Beware!!! They may even be subjected to continuous re-runs of the epic Big B movie Major Saab without a break for susu, potty or even winking! BAAH! Naansenj! Even the Jedi Master shudders at this prospect!

The non-existent readers of the Gobi Blog are hereby warned not to indulge in such craving going forward. You shall now be subjected to your daily dose of meditation tips, medication and sugar cubes for your cravings.

Gobi No.2 has been subjected to intense counselling for the war craving, violence hungry nature. Such a revelation may result either in a loud outburst or a whimsical release of laughing gas by lordship Gobi No.2. We shall the wait and the watch.

Long live Gobisia! Long live Gobidom! Long live the Jedi Master! :)

Desi-pottic Demoncratic Biarchy of Gobisia

We the benevolent despots and desi-pots dispensing and determining the dubious destiny of the Dyspeptic Democratic Dictatorship of Gobisia, having resolved to constitute Gobisia into a sovereign and bankrupt e-state, and secure for its tyrannical Gobis:

• Dementia – asocial, psychotic and amoral;
• Crookedness – of thought, expression, unbelief, distrust and denigration;
• Inequality of status, opportunity and income
  And to promote among them all;
• Farternity – assuring the asphyxiation of any individuals standing behind; disunity, discord and disintegration of Gobisia;

In the whimsical autocracy of the Phool-Gobi , do hereby this twenty-seventh day of November 2009, do hereby disown, detract and inflict on other Gobis this constitution!

War of the Gobis VIII

 

Gobi No. 420 is a craven multaal! It is teh running teh away from the phighting!!! Abe, ae Gobi. No. 420! Tune agar erumma maadu ka doodh piya hain tho maidaan-e-jung mein uthar jao! Bhaagta kyaa hein darpok!!

Gobi No. 420 is a kirukku payale! Arivikettavam! Paithiyam!

It is suffering from un moolai thuru piduchiruchhu! A.k.a., un GOBI thuru piduchiruchhu!

There is no other reason for it to run away from the great war of the Gobis!! Gobi No. 420, stand and phight!!

Poda vendru!!

War of the Gobis VII

Demented erumma maadu a.k.a. panri-thalaya a.k.a. Gobi No. 420 a.k.a. Gobi No. 377 has taken leave of his Gobi!!Gobi No. 420 so spreadsheetally challenged that it is spewing jealous calumniations at the munificent Gobi No. 2! In fact Gobi No. 420's spreadsheet skills are so legendary that it is known to check the sums of list of numbers in a spreadsheet using a desk calculator! Gobi No. 420 probably thinks that spreadsheets have all those little boxes because they are like the square ruled notebooks used by kindergärtners to learn their numbers! So I would suggest that Gobi No. 420 should first practice his numbers from 1 to 12 before trying to pronounce the word 'spreadsheet'. (I wouldn't recommend Gobi No. 420 to practice counting beyond 12 because that would require it to remove its shoes!)

So Gobi No. 420, keep to your silly pictures and graphics and 'creatives' or whatever woozy wishy-washy nonsensical comic book 'brand' stuff you are capable of indulging in and say not a word about the self-effulgent elegance of mathematics, the queen of all sciences!! Especially, keep your ramblings about advertisia marketoma, the queer of all diseases far far away!!

War of the Gobis VI

The erstwhile Gobi No.2, who has been re-christened Gobi No.840 has been going around tom-toming its ability on mathemeticia anaconda (or the lack of it due to the excessive usage of spreadsheeto microsoftopia) by changing the numbers of the other members of the 'Gobi'hood.
The Makda is roaming around with the help of free time gained from vacationo mussouria has overtaken the noble Gobi No.1, who has been busy indulging in seriouso worka!

Ergo! Gobi No.2 a.k.a Makda a.k.a narlacha bondu a.k.a gajrachye nak, shall be referred to as Gadhav Murkha!

He who spends time on such profoundly useless activities such as responding to status messages on FB, during vacationo mussouria shall be banished from the honorary clandestine society of "Gobihood" on taking this war any further :)
Mind it!!!

AXE EFFECT!

Just received this as a forward mail. Considering the fact that the veracity of this information cannot be verified, this immediately qualified to find it's palce under the aegis of 'Gobi'hood.

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues AXE
New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.
No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her.
“Where the Hell is Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.
Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.
“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.
Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.
HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.
“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

War of the Gobis V

Gobi No. 377, a.k.a. Gobi No. 420 seems to be suffering from BSE (Buffalo Spongiform Encephalopathy a.k.a., भूसा-भेज़ा-भैँसा) in addition to advertisia marketoma only the combined effects of two degenerative diseases of the central nervous system (a.k.a. hole-between-the-ears syndrome) can explain the said Gobi's truant behaviour that demonstrates Gobi No. 377 (a.k.a. Gobi No. 420, the erstwhile Gobi No. 1) is a demented erumma-maadu!

Nothing else can explain this irresponsible errant behaviour of wasting weeks of the ongoing War without joining battle with the gallant and noble Sir Gobi No. 2!!

The said pandri-headed Gobi No. 377 a.k.a Gobi No. 420 is instead wasting time recalling brands!! It had better be branded with red hot pandri-iron so that its recollection is not unduly impaired!

Bah!!

War of the Gobis IV

Gobi No. 420, the alleged to be Gobi No. 1 is a hare-brained kazhuthai! Its indiscriminate use of CTRL+C and CTRL+V has demonstrated that advertisia-marketoma has degenerated any innovative or creative capacities possessed by it!

Going by the absurd contents of the previous post it is apparent that Gobi No. 420 is inordinately obsessed with simian buttocks and other guys' lips!! It is therefore being suspected whether Gobi No. 420 is, in effect, Gobi No. 377, a.k.a., Gobi-Dostana!!

War of the Gobis III

Gobi No.2 a.k.a Gobi No.840 has performed the most illogical, reprehensible act of his life. He went to a tamilian who lent Goundamani expletives, which were unnecessarily hurled at the honorable Gobi No.1. Payback time baby (read baybeeee)!!!!

1. Seriously - Gobi No.1 with his narlacha bondu has managed to infringe copyrights of Goundamani and hurls it on a fellow tamilian. Ergo, Gobi No.840 has lost all rights to talk about seriousness
2. Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V happen to be the birthright of all Gobis so long as credit is given. Which was given. However, Gobi No.2 a.k.a gajrachye nak has 'infringed' and did not give credit to the Goundar. Very unacceptable!
3. Holiness??? ha ha ha ha ha: Tujha hotanza ranga makdasa bodcha sarka aahe. Unholiness personified. BAAAH!!! NAANSENJ!!!

Phew! That was quite a task!

Astalavista Baby (read bay beeeeeee)!

War of the Gobis II

Gobi No. 1 is the ruinificator of this randomified bloggemenon. It has teh ruinified teh blog by:

1. getting serious
2. violating the creative alcohol of these hollowed precincts by befouling it through indiscriminate use of CTRL+C and CTRL+V
3. hurling hideous insinuations at the exalted his holiness Gobi No. 2

Gobi No. 1 therefore needs to be severely reprimanded for this irresponsible behaviour! This shall be done by castigating the said Gobi by changing its number. Hence forth, Gobi No. 1 is re-numbered as Gobi No. 420.

Gobbledygook - Whoa!!!

Why is this place getting serious??? I am unable to control myself from posting this article. As a follow up for my earlier piece on 'jargonisation' of Queen's language. I found this in today's newspaper. Ho ha ha ha ha ha... Here is a crusader who I can completely relate to! :) Cool article!

WSJ ON LANGUAGE - Crusader for plain Eng...
Afew months ago, 71-yearold Chrissie Maher got a mailing from her bank titled "Personal and Private Banking --Keeping You Informed." Baffled by its blizzard of terms such as "account facility limit," ...read more...

Kaana Kaali Ganpati Kaadi - The war is on!

Gobi No.2 seems to have lost his marbles and still in the process of searching for the same! He doesn't realise the 'risk' associated with such 'losing marbles' activity.
By borrowing expletives from Goundamani a.k.a God (thanks to another thengai thalayan), Gobi No.2 believes that he has mastered the glorious language and the inglorious expletives.
Warning to GOBI NO.2: It takes time. Take lessons from me! :)
From me: God of Keeda!!!!

Parallel Thinking? Read this joke!

Golfer's choice.......

Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally frustrated.

The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Frank?"

"I didn't have to," Frank replied.

"Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!'

When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, “Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'............ ........”

SO HERE I AM !!"

Got this from 'Nandini Mohan Rao'

Thenga Thalaya

Muttai kos thalaya!
Thakkali thalaya!

Gobi No. 1 is all of the above! He is also, vacuous thalaya, rattling thalaya, hole-between-the-ears thalaya and bereft of thalaya!!

His wormless, gormless, key-boardal emissions have interrupted the exalted hiatussification of the cerebrated Gobi No. 2!! Ergo Gobi No. 2 is duly infuriated and instigated to do worm!! (Better known as do keedaa!)

And such keedaa shall be done, such keedaa shall be done, that above mentioned thenga thalaya shall end up as keedaa thalaya!!

So watch this space!!

Hiatussification - leads to Gobi No.2 generating unnecessary worms

Gobi No.2 who has recently been hit by the Hiatussification bug has been suffering so badly that the Gobi is now filled with unnecessary worms exuding exhorbitant colours of the exotic type. Such escapades from Gobispot ends in enormous enmity ensuing between Gobi No.1 & Gobi No.2.
While the hiatussification has not been extended to other forms of Gobalisation like tweeting and booking on the faces, understanding the reason for regular irregularity on Gobispot is really ridiculous.
Wierd wired wela Gobi No.2 will want worming. With immediate effect to return to normalcy!

Nandan ka naya bandhan!

Nandan Nilekani has been the toast of discussion in many places post his being made a 'babu'. I received this mail sometime back and it was ROTFL material :)

Morning, 10 AM sharp. Nandan Nilekani enters his new cabin. There is not much in the room except a plush chair, a large wooden desk with a computer and a phone neatly placed on top. He picks up the phone and dials the switchboard operator’s number.

Nilekani: Good morning. This is Nandan Nilekani. Can you send in someone who can help me with some information, please?
Operator: Good Morning sir. Whom do you wish to call in? Do you have someone in particular in mind?
Nilekani: Umm. Have I been given an assistant or a secretary?
Operator: We don’t employ assistants here, sir. Too little outlay. Secretaries we have many. Chief secretary, under secretary, joint…
Nilekani: …No, no. Not that kind. I meant someone who could help me get things rolling.
Operator: Okay. Let me see. Well, I think I know just the right person for the task. I am sending in our secretary a-la-carte, Mr Pandeyji.

Several hours later, Pandeyji walks in.
Nilekani: [After exchanging the usual pleasantries] Pandeyji, one of our immediate big tasks would be to see how we could integrate our unique ID database with other relevant databases like those of passports, ration cards, job cards and PAN. Do we have an upgraded IT system here?
Pandeyji: Integration not possible. We need new licenses from Oracle, Microsoft. We don’t have much money with us. Too little outlay.
Nilekani: Alright. We will use Open Source.
Pandeyji: [Alarmed] Open source? Across all departments, we have banned everything that has anything “Open” in it.
Nilekani: When did that happen?
Pandeyji: Ever since the Open General Licence scheme came into force. It wreaked havoc on our personal, er, public finances.
Nilekani: Alright. I will talk to Paul. He is a good friend. I am sure he will be able to help. This is in the interest of the people, after all.
Pandeyji: But, sir, Paul was robbed two weeks ago.
Nilekani: [Shocked] Where? How?
Pandeyji: Shortly after the Union Budget speech. I heard an analyst say that the government is robbing Paul to pay Peter. Sirjee, when the government is done with Paul, he won’t be in a position to help.
Nilekani: [Relieved] No, no, I was talking about Paul Allen, Microsoft’s co-founder. By the way, “Robbing Paul to pay Peter” is not the correct expression. It is the other way round.
Pandeyji: Sir, you are duly advised not to lose sweat over improper forms of expression around here. Did you not hear the honourable finance minister read out the Budget?
Nilekani: [Ignoring the last comment] By the way, why do I see so few people in this building? Are we not sufficiently staffed yet? I think I gave my recommendations some time back.
Pandeyji: Actually, we were, but most officers have applied to other ministries or departments for transfers. Some have even moved out.
Nilekani: [Concerned] Why?
Pandeyji: Our project was allocated Rs 120 crore in the Budget. On the other hand, the Delhi Police got Rs 3,000 crore, the National Ganga Project got Rs 562 crore. You see sir, the greater the mess, the bigger the outlay. Officers feel there is a slim chance you will be messing things up around here, seeing your track record. So most officers want out.
Nilekani: [Animated] Forget the outlay. I have been given a free hand!! Nobody gets a free hand!
Pandeyji: [Smirking] Good you mentioned that term. In fact, “free hand” is among the first few terms of which I need to explain the official meanings to you, tomorrow.
Nilekani: Hmm. I think I know the meaning already, but why tomorrow? Why not today?
Pandeyji: It’s 2 minutes to 5:30 PM. When the clock strikes 5:30, I am going to turn into a pumpkin. Is there something else I can help you with?
Nilekani: Not really. Is there something else you want to help me with, before you turn into a pumpkin?
Pandeyji: Arrey haan. I have read your book, Imagining India. I like it a lot. Actually, I have thought of a nice title you can use for the book’s sequel.
Nilekani: [Intrigued] And what could that be?
Pandeyji: Keep Imagining, India.Nilekani casts an impatient glance at his watch. The minute hand looks agonisingly sluggish.

An awesome evening

This post is not exactly true to this blog. I am just hijacking this blog for this post alone. Couldn't resist writing about a magical evening that I just experienced today!

I was invited to the Durga Pandal by Bombay Durga Bari Samiti. This is their 80th year and one of the members suggested that I visit the Pandal this evening for the Puja and the cultural programme that was to follow. But little did I realise that I was in for a huge surprise. A totally pleasant one at that! The 'cultural programme' was called 'Old is Gold' and featured Hindi & a few Bengali film songs. One rule - the song must be vintage. And all of them were. Awesome music, awesome musicians, awesome evening.

The team was led by Shri. Manohari Singh, who has played with doyens including S D Burman & R D Burman and he is one of the most prolific Saxaphone artists I have ever heard. Music was divine and I honestly felt de-stressed after a very long time. Cheap kick followed. I took a picture with Mr. Manohari Singh. God! What a simple human being he was.

Songs like 'Hoton pe aisi bath' from Jewel Thief, 'Dum Maro Dum' from Hare Rama Hare Krishna and 'Tere Mere Sapne' from Guide were belted out to perfection by the troupe. The singers Srikanth and Shailaja were so true to the original voices and sang to perfection. The energy that they brought along was flowing amongst the audience and it certainly was magical. Truly amongst the best evenings that I have enjoyed after having moved to Mumbai!

Day in the life of a Senior Professional

This is awesome. I found this buzzword generator and I tried to create a day in the life of a senior professional. Damn cool stuff this!!!

Letter to dad

This is the most original piece I have written. I didn't get this as part of a forward message from a girl who sits next to me at work place. I did this when I was 15 and my dad was very proud of me when he read this. And yes!!! I AM LYING!!!!! BAAH NONSENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read it anyway!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son
P.S: Scroll down

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
*Call me when it's safe to come home*.
LOVE YOU DAD

Toly tow and tattle tlass

tonsidering this tis the teason tof twitting the tweeters, tI thought tI thould trite tomething thich tan te tonsidered ta teuology to the twittering tommunity.

There was once a diplomat
Who is now treated like a garden rat
He stood the election to become a minister
Not realising that the crowd around him is sinister
He spoke his mind out on twitter
Which transformed his life 'Oh! bitter'
Cattle class and holy cow,
Landed him in trouble me knows how!
Evil coalition media and politics
@Shashitharoor should learn the basics
Taken a beating - this man's image
Little did he realise - he is collateral damage!
Baaaah! NONSENSE!!!!!

Hiatussification

Apologies to all my dear non-existent readers for the prolonged hiatussification of the phoolgobi. However said Gobi was rather recalcitrant when it came to cogitating up inane entries or posts for this forum, and no amount of caffeineification seemed to help. The Gobi will need to investigate the theory of muses in some detail to determine if dereliction of duty by these alleged companions of the gay Apollo is responsible for the dry spell of phoolgobification. If this is found to be the case, the said muses are likely to be slapped with a class action lawsuit seeking compensation for their dispensation with inspiration to the Gobi. Till such time, the non-existent readers are requested to bear with the Gobi as they have been bearing the Gobi, unbearable though it is. Mind it, I say, BEAR with the Gobi, not BARE with the Gobi, as some poltroons choose to word it.

Hopefully the termination of hiatussification will lead to frequent flaunting of foul fabrications on this forum, as has been the wont of the Gobi. It appears though that this may require the still recalcitrant and thoroughly uncooperative alleged companions of gay Apollo to be dragged kicking and screaming to aid the Gobi in spouting these digital emissions. Hopefully subsequent non-events will provide suitable muse-fodder. Till such time, so long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, good-bye!

Not in office? Not to worry!

Some interesting out of office messages:

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
• I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
• Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 or the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 452nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
• Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
• Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
• I've run away to join a different circus.
  AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
• I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Malignancy

The kind commiserations of considerate colleagues expressed in a prior article on this forum have prompted me to return the favour in kind, with compound interest, calculated in a linked spreadsheet with custom built stochastic functions augmented by Boolean algebra and informal logic. Gobibral Haemorrhage, while it is highly contagious, has a well identified infective vector named Stress Drone Attack (SDA).

However Gobi No. 1 appears to be afflicted by a rather virulently malignant astrocytoma of the Gobi identified as “Advertisia Marketoma”. Unlike infectious vectors, this condition is not caused by infective carriers like virii, bacteria, plasmodia, prions (though the symptoms resemble those of the BSE – Buffalo Spongiform Encephalopathy, or भूसा-भेजा-भैँसा as it is colloquially known). Some Gobis are congenitally prone to develop this malignancy. It is also suspected that they are genitally prone to develop this malignancy, but recent literature suggests that clinical trials on fattened hamsters have not been successful at replicating the condition at any level of significance.

Some of the common symptoms of Advertisia Marketoma include, but are not limited to, inter alia the following:

• irrational herbivorism
• wilful and wanton whiskeration
• bipolar vocabulary syndrome – with language alternating between the verbiage patterns of stevedores and diphthong enunciations of Franciscan Friars, sporadically
• morbid interest in gasoline wasting pursuits of over-paid chauffeurs
• orchestration of sting operations by swarms of simpering simian scribes on hapless victims
• prolonged postprandial perambulation for the purpose of oral incineration of nicotiana tabacum
• cranial corrosion from celluloidal confabulation

Absence of infective vector precludes use of antibiosis for therapeutic considerations. Acute lobotomy may ameliorate some of the most pestilential symptoms. However, contagion may not be an immediate concern.

Beware of ‘gobi’bral hemorrhage causing Stress Drone Attacks - Gobi No.2 has just been attacked.

Close on the heels of the US Drone attack causing the ‘reported death of Taliban Chief Baitullah Mehsud, a drone attack of a different kind has been reported in Mumbai – the financial capital and the favorite target of terror attacks (as if the locals weren’t causing enough damage, we have foreign terrorists joining the mayhem)!
‘Stress Drones’ a low flying Invisible Floating Occurence (IFO) which have been known to cause serious damage to the gobi has been encountered in the suburbs of the financial capital called Andheri where Gobi No.2 lives. It has been reported that the attack was a focused, targeted attack and has cause serious damage to the 'Gobi' lodged inside Gobi No.2. It has also been confirmed (sadly so) that Gobi No.2 is now suffering from Gobibral hemorrhage.
Gobibral hemorrhage is a serious disease which causes prolonged instances of logic. It makes the affected individual live in a world of logic. Isn't that scary??? (OOOOHHHHH)

This results the patient experiencing symptoms like nausea (makes him go ‘yuck yuck’), expectations of logic ('Well duh! How else does one go about it? I mean we are not amoebae to split vertically and become two young ‘uns!'), logical conclusions from the illogical pursuits of the gobi-world (Indubitably. Delusions of Shoe-makerism. They will land one in a theatre all right. A bloody OPERATING THEATRE!!), unnecessary use of provocative and ‘oh so parliamentary’ language (…it would be a para-choot jump), causes infuriated response to perfectly normal ‘pursuits of randomness’ and many more…
It is our earnest request to the non-existent readers of this blog to stay away from the following:

• Prolonged staring at complex spreadsheets
• Listening to ‘The Economist’ while commuting to work
• Break up components of a pasta (or any other food item) to ‘carbohydrates’, proteins, ammonia, helium, cyanide, process of photosynthesis, saliva or its million other components.
• Reading everything from ‘Shakespear’ to ‘shake my spear’ (including packets on which sugar is packed from the local kirana store)
• Avoid Auto-rickshaw, cycle-rickshaw, Sam Maneckshaw, Deepak Shaw, or John ex-shaw

Staying away from the above causes ‘perfect pursuers of randomness’ like Gobi No.1 and can cause happyness too.
Considering Gobi No.2 is suffering from the Stress Drone Attack caused ‘Gobibral Hemerrhage’, it is suggested that the readers (if any) to forgive such drastic pursuit of logic by the author. We shall give him due time and a holiday from viewing spreadsheets and things will be normal again.
God bless ‘Gobi No.2’. May his soul rest in peas.

Note: This is a serious attack. During a conversation Gobi No.2 expected usage of punctuations in posts from Gobi No.1, which beats the very raison d'être of this blog. Beware! This is a very contagious disease!!!

In pursuit of lunacy

By being temporally consequent to the previous entry, this one is in pursuit of lunacy.
Ergo, Gobi No. 2 will the resort to undiluted ad hominem. Gobi No. 1 is stark raving mad. The things recommended in the previous post are harebrained moronic manipulations. Here’s how, ad seriatum:

Go naked become a parent

Well duh! How else does one go about it? I mean we are not amoebae to split vertically and become two young ‘uns!

test drive a ferrari go to a theatre

Indubitably. Delusions of Shoe-makerism. They will land one in a theatre all right. A bloody OPERATING THEATRE!!

take a hot air balloon ride phone in work sick

Er, does flatulence entitle one to call in work sick?

relax go horse riding surprise someone

Well, given our sedentary sizes, the horse will be the one most surprised if his back-bone lasts the ordeal!

go to a sporting event walk in the rain

Er, water sports!? Yuck yuck!!

do a parachute jump

Well given that we are generally better inflated than any parachute could be, any jumping we do would probably qualify for a parachute jump – provided we can ever manage to get both feet off the ground at the same time. Else, it would be a para-choot jump.

sleep under the stars

Unsuccessful attempts to carry out the previous recommendation would certainly make them visible in broad daylight.

visit the pyramids go whale watching

Ok, some serious educating is needed here. “Ship of the desert” is a metaphor. A METAPHOR! The fact that you can sail in the ship of the desert to watch the stones of Giza DOES NOT MEAN that you can get to do whale watching there!! Just because you are aboard a ship!!

visit machu pichu see the northern lights

Then again, bhugol (भुगोल) ke funde seriously gol hein bhai! Machu pichu is in Peru which is is the Southern Hemisphere. How on earth do you suggest we contrive to watch the nothern lights there!!

be happy

You make us read and respond to inane posts like that and you expect us to be anything other than infuriated!!

In Pursuit of randomness

Go naked become a parent test drive a ferrari go to a theatre take a hot air balloon ride phone in work sick and relax go horse riding surprise someone go to a sporting event walk in the rain do a parachute jump sleep under the stars visit the pyramids go whale watching visit machu pichu see the northern lights be happy

All's quiet on the Gobi front

Once upon a time there were two Gobis· The Gobis were adequately endowed with lots of phools all around. Ergo, they became Phoolgobis. Over time, the population of phools increased many fold and the poor Gobis were utterly outnumbered. The Gobis therefore decided to cull the phools down to size. This was not as easy as it seemed because the phools were equiped with weapons of maths destruction.

We should bear in mind that it was the morbid fear of Iraqi weapons of maths destruction that prompted the mathematically challenged GW to embark on his mathematically misunderestimated Mephistophelian misadventure. Weapons of maths destruction are terrifying objects. Impact of weapons of maths destruction can lead to copious blood-letting on balance sheets, ticker-boards, trade statistics and such like areas of dense.

The eerie silence that follows above named holocaust is partially responsible for the captioned silence on the Gobi front.

Twinkle

The noble Gobi. No. 1, has launched the first broadside with worse, er, ahem, verse. It therefore needs to be fittingly responded to in equally evil kind! Here’s some more verse for you!

Twinkle twinkle goes the star,
While Gobi laments about war
With weapons stockpiled
and terrorism febrile
the peace of the planet to mar!

Cheers,

Star is twinkling

The first rhyme for most kids - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A cute video for you to watch!


Well here's what the rhyme can get morphed to prove itself to be contemporary:

Twinkle Twinkle little star
Turn anywhere and you see war!
Ever wonder the reason why
Look up straight in the sky!

In the name of religion
Fights ensued in different regions
The feud is never between stars
But leaders who behave like Tsars!

On one side we have Obama!
And on the other, the latest anti-christ Osama!
Some time back Bush suffered pain
From one Mr. Saddam Hussein!

Extreme views of the Taliban
Killed the Buddha in Bamiyan!
Don't know when the war will end
When man will treat another like friend!

Cause

Rhymes with

paws
caws
applause
maws
pause
laws
claws
in-laws
clause
und boss (in Rhajhanhikhantha-sprache)

Definition: Cause is the amorphous undefinable inchoate doohickey that can be conveniently, completely, caustically and confidently blamed for anything that can be assumed to be an 'event'.

This makes it a very convenient tool for use in the higher echelons of corporate ivory towers.

Pretending to be attempting to unravel the mechanisms of such a doohickey becomes a convenient justification for funding universities and 'research'.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, the same doohickey is also a superb excuse to mobilise opinion, organise resistance, agitate, make noise, shout slogans, damage public property, commit arson, and if one is the right sort of mood after breakfast, to kill and maim.

Quite a versatile operative this doohickey called cause. It symbolises the peculiarities of the sole surviving sub-species of bipedal primates that inhabit the wild nooks and cranies on earth - which is to say every scrap of dry land there is. Peculiarity is a severe understatement, though, given as, this particular animal's behaviour is characterised by what can only be described as an outright obsession with etiology on a great many occasions. Few other animals devote quite so much time to anything that is not concerned with eating and procreating.

Most absurdly of all, in an ultimately fruitless autorecurssive exercise, large herds of this animal are from time to time pre-occupied with substituting the doohickey for the event and trying to identify another doohickey that can be blamed for this doohickey and so and on so as to determine the ultimate doohickey of them all. Even more puzzling is that even without identifying this ultimate doohickey, they blithely posit numerous variants for it and congregate in astronomical numbers for no other reason than adore it.

I can only attribute such behaviour as a deliberate and utterly malicious attempt to confound the most learned and dedicated ethologist as would dare to try and study this species.

Whew!

Nobel cause

Little did Alfred Nobel realise what he would get into when he instituted the Nobel Prize. Though it is a noble cause, Nobel has led to a lot of people in the noble profession of pedagogy to corner most of his post 'last journey' money! I do believe though, that there is enough of it to last the rest of our existences. Just learnt about the concept of 'permenancy of money' from one individual belonging to the noble profession which Nobel really seems to like.

Nobleness is not restricted to Nobel winners only. While Scott undertook the noble endeavor of taking on the not so noble corporate world by its pants, little did he realise that he had already embarked on a very very noble mission. For that effort, I do second 'Artharaja' and his theories on 'Why Scott is so noble that he deserves a Nobel?'.

Nobel was not a freak guy. He actually does not fit into both the thories of freakification as propounded by Artharaja in his previous posts. Neither did he go bananas over the atoms, neutrons, quantum physics, fundamental and not so fundamental particles. Nobel was just a noble. And in all his nobleness, Nobel created a trust which was left with noble men who he thought he could trust. Isn't that a noble cause on behalf of Nobel? This Nobel trust undergoes the noble cause of identifying psychos who know more and more of less and less and then orders them nobly to identify much more and more about much less and less. I do think it is a very noble cause.

Coming back to Scott... Doesn't he know more and more about less and less? In this wide corporate world which is filled with not so noble people, Scott identifies a noble man who everyone in the not so noble corporate would identify with. And thus began the journey of Dilbert Noble. Whether you are the noble boss or the one who suffers with a not so noble boss, you identify with the all so noble Dilbert Nobel and hence you deserve the Nobel too. If you in your not so noble capacity deserve the Nobel, why shouldn't Scott?
Thus spake the theory of Nobelification of Scott Adams.

PS: If you are the 'Oh! So noble sub-ordinate' trying to figure out what to do with the 'Not so noble' boss, read this!!!

Human Nature

As the sage Scott Adams has so wisely stated, human nature is characterised by three cardinal attributes - selfishness, stupidity and horniness. This conclusion is surprisingly congruent with the Darwinian, Dawkinsian and Dickensian models of human nature.

The motivations behind all volitional human activities can be deconstructed to arrive at one or more of the above fundamental particles of human nature, each type in varying proportions. Selfishness, stupidity and horniness therefore are the quarks of human nature.

Therein lies the genius of Mr Adams. What physicists are only tentatively beginning to achieve now by expending stupendous amounts of time, money and efforts - in terms of discovering the fundamental particles constituting all matter, Scott Adams has effortlessly achieved for human nature with a nifty stroke of the pen (or the keyboard).

I hereby nominate Scott Adams to receive the Nobel Prize for psychology!

Repeat to Remember and Remember to Repeat!!

Memory is a condition characteristic of the crenellated crevices covering the cauliflowers contained in our cranial cavities. Recollection, probably constitutes of tiny tingling pulses of electricity swirling in the neuro-chemical soups surrounding the synaptic segments.

Repeated repetitions of repetitious repertoires result in robust retention and rapid recollection.

Unless pupils are purposefully preached to by pedantic pundits perpetrating pedagogic prudery punitively, perpetual preparatory perfection would be potentially precluded. The resulting alliterative altercations would alternate with abstruse allegations of asinine articulations around artificial aberrations. The abhorrent application of attitudinal atrocities would aggravate anarchical analects asymptotically thereby adducing analytical accuracy about aboriginal agglomerations.

Repeat... repeated!

The delusion of the unnecessary belief that repeating the same message being given to the receiver over and over again, will lead to a perfect reception of the message being sent by the sender to the receiver may lead to annoying situations and unnecessary confusions. The trepidation and the trembling fear that a repetitive message being given over and over again to the receiver by the sender is actually an annoying situation or a troublesome state of affairs. This is a disease or a malfunctioning capability which typically haunt people or human beings in the teaching or educating or tutoring profession who are otherwise referred to as teachers / gurus / pedagogues or similar repetitive terms. I once had a professor who is the profession of teaching and teaching Chemistry at that, who used to repeat the word 'remember' way too many times. He used to say it so many times you wouldn't believe it! So many times, that we actually used to count the number of times by using the milkman counting system which uses fourlines and a cross over to count 5. There was less of Chemistry and more of 'remember'. Consider a sentence which goes: "Remember remember, remember to remember that you need to remember the formula". How goes it? Tell me, how goes it??? So don't repeat yourself I say... Just don't repeat yourself... I just mean that you shouldn't say the same things over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again...

REPEAT

This is a repeat post; one that I'd posted elsewhere before. But it fits the general theme and is inspired by Nim Chimpsky's, er, Noam Chomsky's quote - "Colourless green ideas sleep furiously!"

"This is a test of the over all absorptive ability of the new ream of papier de macha. Emain macha and domain macha are two new colourless ideas that sleep curiously and hence can be given over to the scion of alien abductions and its associated stigmata. That in itself should be inordinately pleasing for the sumptuous delectations of new caledonian paparazzi. Prima facie, the assessments involved in the convoluted confabulations of esperanto should be factored into the Romano-British bathing superstructure over and above the idiot savantism inherent to the post-modernist sobriquet movement of substance. Verily would that be a substantial improvement over the predelictions of Rochellias that entail the verdant fields of dorset. The neo-Neanderthal outpourings of capitulated crenellations confined to the obstreperous vituperations of the said in situ perforations can be construed to contain collaborative corrosions currently called corpus-callosums."

Sit in a quiet place . . .

. . . I DARE you to find one!

"Quiet Place" is a myth. An "earless you" or a "de-eared you" is the only feasible situation that can approach the platonic form that is "quiet place".

There are various versions to how the universe came about to end up in this fallen state bereft of a quiet place. The Biblical version of this Creation story - goes something as given below:

Long long ago there was only quiet and no place. God found this lack of place a most inconvenient truth! "It is quite quiet here!", He mused. "I say, it would be quite capital if could add a place to it so as to derive a quite quiet place!", He concluded!

"Let there be place", He declared. And there was place.

He quite liked the idea of "Let there be", so He let some more "Let there be"s lose on the hapless place that He had "let there be"ed first. As a consequence, place was soon filled with such miscellaneous clutter as earth, sky, stars, sun, moon, oceans, plants, animals and a certain proto-"Jean Baptiste Luc Planchon" called 'Adam'.

Crowded though place was, as a consequence of all the above tenants jostling for place in place, it still somehow managed to be reasonably quiet. Adam had a jolly good time in place, back then, eating Big-Macs and KFC Chicken (yes, I know chicken is redundant here), drinking water called beer, and driving about place in his SUV. However, all this high cholesterol diet made poor Adam rather obese and one quiet day he started complaining quietly of quite severe chest pain! As a result God had to perform emergency surgery. He opened up Adam's hemithoraces and did the needful therein. But while zipping Adam back up, He forgot to put back an element of Adam's endoskeletal framework, that He had removed in order peer and poke about freely.

He was absently doodling with that spare bit of endo-skeleton one fine day when some of His "Let there be"s ran amok again and He ended up "Let there be"ing a certain someone, He didn't know quite what to do with. So he sent this person to place to be a companion to Adam.

The consequence of the 'company' this person kept with Adam is better known as the Big Bang Theory today. Place has never known quiet ever since.

Equation

Considering that more than 10 hours of your waking time is spent at work place, you are supposed to have a better EQUATION with your boss than your spouse. To find out how good your equation is with your boss, do the following:

• Sit in a quiet place
• Ensure there is no one in the vicinity and that no one will be in the vicinity for the next 20 minutes.
• Plugging your ears will be helpful. At least, you don't have to hear yourself!
• Close your eyes
• Take a deep breath (Confirm if you have brushed your teeth)
• Once you have taken sufficiently long and deep breath, ensure you let it out too... (else you might have delusions and visions of wearing white with a couple of wings hanging from your shoulders. This might lead you to believe that you are Superman, which might be false)
• Take a deep breath again
• Let it out again (repeat breathing in and out about 20 times)
• When you feel a little sleepy / drowsy, imagine standing in front of your boss!
• If your boss looks like a sexy woman (and if you are a man), then open your eyes immediately. Because such thoughts might lead to a cracked household. (Note: the vice versa of this equation is also true)
• If your boss looks angry, with blood shot eyes and dark skin (like South Indian Actor Vijayakant), then open your eyes immediately. Because it means that your 'equation' with your boss is always like that of the equation between India & Pakistan.
• If your boss looks sleepy, then try talking to him / her. And find out whether he / she loves you (platonically though). This might lead to pleasant situations and a hefty bonus
• If your boss has an impish smile, continue with your eyes closed and imagine that you are on your knees pleading for your life and job. This might placate him / her and ensure that your life is not put in jeopardy. Also, please ensure that he / she does not get anywhere near Dilbert comics. Scott Adams is a source of such impish characters and will plug further ideas into your boss' head!
• If your boss has a quiet demeanor and is absolutely poker-faced, then there could be two possibilities. Either (s)he is neutral about you, which means your existance doesn't make any difference or (s)he has already spoken to HR about you. All I can say is 'God bless you'.
• If your boss smiles at you... smile back...
• Slowly open your eyes
• Bring your consciousness back to where you are seated
• Ensure that no one saw you
• Get the F$%# back to work and work your f&*%ing ass off and ensure that no mother-f&*%ing SOB can fire you ever!

Because the equation doesn't matter anymore... dependencies do!

FREAK

Objects of the above titular description abound in this universe. But they tend to be more densely concentrated in the vicinity of an observer, especially an observer who blogs. This is called Artharaja's Principle of Freakification, named after the prototypical Arch-Freak Artharaja.

A FREAK may be triggered or untriggered. The most conspicuous benefit of triggered freakification is the ability to blame the trigger, when on the contrary in the case of most freaks, the trigger would more aptly be felicitated if it belonged to a loaded double-barreled shotgun.

On the other hand, untriggered freaks have the distinction of autogeniture sui generis.The probability of detecting a self-generated freak in any given location is is an exponential function of the ardency of the observer's desire to be unfreakified multiplied by Avogadro's number squared.

IN laymans terms;

P(x = FREAK) = e^{f(ψ.g(A₀.∑y2)}

This is the Second Law of Freakification. Complex numerical and analytical closed-form solutions to the above oscillating probabilistic function have partial differential coefficients that in an organisational context put freaks in every function.

Banana goes Random

Banana (belonging to the family Musaceae) is an awesome fruit which gets peeled before consumed - cooked or uncooked. As an aside, the peelings have to be handled with care since peelings on the floor can bring the hot-stepper on it to horizontality from verticality. Such sudden transfer from verticality to horizontality also leads to dizziness. Take care (I don't mean Garnier).
Banana Pancakes are very good to eat. I don't really know about how good they are for health though. They do taste yummmmmm!!! Here is the recipe if you are so keen. Eating Banana Pancakes on a regular basis may lead to diabetes and may prove to be extremely harmful to your health. So just cut it, taste it and then stay away from it! Sounds like the old Hero Honda ad huh!?!?
Banana Republic is not a small country in the middle of nowhere! It is a derogatory term for an unstable country, which is corrupt and ruled by people who can be called HOOLIGANS! BTW, there is a very stable brand of the same name from GAP.
Banana Pancake is also the name given to a backpacking trail. Typically in South East Asia, these are the routes taken by backpackers on a regular basis to explore, enjoy and freak out in life.
Here it goes... Eat Bananas, take care of the peel, make pancakes, wear pancakes, and enjoy them and travel along the Banana Pancake trail to freak out...
You know what???? FREAK OUT

Peelings

Peelings are of different types. Well, if you feel like peeling a banana, you better peel it, else someone is going to peel it and banana-skin you when you are on the way to meet the boss-man!

This most certainly happens at the place where you and your colleagues gather to sip coffee, forward jokes and draw salaries for pretending to work. So don't just hold the banana! PEEL IT!!

Bottling the banana unpelt will lead to stress (for the bottle), pressure for the blood (usually, but not always, in the banana), and lots of spilt, uneaten / half-eaten and hurled, banana splits.

So LET GO and PEEL PEEL PEEL away! Peel as if your life depended upon it!

Hail Banana! छिलके की जय हो!

Feelings

Feelings are of different types. Well, if you feel like hitting someone, you better hit, else that someone is going to hit you. You can go through this feeling mostly at your work-place, place of work, work location, near your seat or just in front of you! Don't just hold it up. Bottling them up will lead to stress, blood pressure and a lot of bloopers in life. Let go!